I'm going to try and change the theme of my blog from "EmoSupreme" to "Regular". I'm not sure if I am going to be successful, because I basically only write when I'm in the [melodramatic] throes of some strong emotion. It's either related to some event in my life, or that in the lives of those who surround me, but it is always something that moves me emotionally. Now, however, I'm going to try and blog more frequently, and about mundane topics. Like darzee k bill, photography, books, and cooking. I'm not sure if [and why] any one would be interested in reading about such topics, but I really need to practice 'Non-Emo writing', and this is the best way to do it.
Now if I can only think of something to say!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Last Call For Love
Bewafaii ki gharri, tark-e madaraat ka waqt
Uss gharri apnay siva yaad na aey ga koi...
I tried so hard, I really did, to let this September pass without comment. There was nothing to say, really. For a while there, it seemed that fate had smiled on me. The happiness that looked to be within reach seemed pre-ordained. Meant-to-be.
It's September once more, and my heart beats in time with the drums of loss.
I'm older, infinitely more practical, and hopefully, smarter. I can see the patterns that, once upon a dream, would have made no sense to me. Maybe I'm just being negative, maybe things will work out. Maybe I'm giving up too soon. But I can't stop trying to 'prepare' myself for a bad end. I seem to believe if I expect it to end badly, it won't affect me as much.
This time around, I will not cling, I will not beg. This time around, I'm going to pretend to understand and accept. I'm going to pretend to be grown up about this, sophisticated and worldy. I will let go. I will not crash.
This time around I'm going to pretend heart-break doesn't hurt.
Never Again.
[With apologies to Faiz:
In a moment of infidelity, at the severing of ties
One will think of naught but ones self, in that instance]
Uss gharri apnay siva yaad na aey ga koi...
I tried so hard, I really did, to let this September pass without comment. There was nothing to say, really. For a while there, it seemed that fate had smiled on me. The happiness that looked to be within reach seemed pre-ordained. Meant-to-be.
It's September once more, and my heart beats in time with the drums of loss.
I'm older, infinitely more practical, and hopefully, smarter. I can see the patterns that, once upon a dream, would have made no sense to me. Maybe I'm just being negative, maybe things will work out. Maybe I'm giving up too soon. But I can't stop trying to 'prepare' myself for a bad end. I seem to believe if I expect it to end badly, it won't affect me as much.
This time around, I will not cling, I will not beg. This time around, I'm going to pretend to understand and accept. I'm going to pretend to be grown up about this, sophisticated and worldy. I will let go. I will not crash.
This time around I'm going to pretend heart-break doesn't hurt.
Never Again.
[With apologies to Faiz:
In a moment of infidelity, at the severing of ties
One will think of naught but ones self, in that instance]
Saturday, August 28, 2010
August 28, 2010
Dear You,
I’m very hurt.
You set me aside when you felt like it. I didn’t have a say in the decision. You didn’t think how it would affect me. You didn’t wonder how I would cope, or whether I could have need of you in this time.
You just set a dead line, and told me we wouldn’t be talking till then. A dead line that suited you, your circumstances and your needs.
And you didn’t even do this over the phone. With one little text, you created all these walls.
Remember when I asked you if we could take a break? I asked. I wanted us to discuss it. And you got pissed over it. I respected your wishes. You did not even consider me. It’s not as if you distanced yourself from everyone. It’s just me.
Sometimes I think love isn’t anything but habit. I have an urge to contact you, and I’m pulling back. Because this is what you asked for. Because I’m hanging on to my self-respect, and I’m not going to butt in where I’m not wanted or needed.
I’m not being selfish here. I totally understand that you need space; these exams are important. Had you ‘discussed’ this with me, I would never have said no.
As it is, you made me feel like The Problem. The one you seek to distance yourself from when the pressure builds. You make me wonder how often this is going to happen.
Because, in time, I will grow more dependent on you. I will hurt more.
Regards,
Me.
I’m very hurt.
You set me aside when you felt like it. I didn’t have a say in the decision. You didn’t think how it would affect me. You didn’t wonder how I would cope, or whether I could have need of you in this time.
You just set a dead line, and told me we wouldn’t be talking till then. A dead line that suited you, your circumstances and your needs.
And you didn’t even do this over the phone. With one little text, you created all these walls.
Remember when I asked you if we could take a break? I asked. I wanted us to discuss it. And you got pissed over it. I respected your wishes. You did not even consider me. It’s not as if you distanced yourself from everyone. It’s just me.
Sometimes I think love isn’t anything but habit. I have an urge to contact you, and I’m pulling back. Because this is what you asked for. Because I’m hanging on to my self-respect, and I’m not going to butt in where I’m not wanted or needed.
I’m not being selfish here. I totally understand that you need space; these exams are important. Had you ‘discussed’ this with me, I would never have said no.
As it is, you made me feel like The Problem. The one you seek to distance yourself from when the pressure builds. You make me wonder how often this is going to happen.
Because, in time, I will grow more dependent on you. I will hurt more.
Regards,
Me.
August 27, 2010
Dear You,
Me.
There’s something that has been bothering me for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I’ve finally made some sense out of it. So I figured I’d share. Bear with me if this diatribe gets confusing in places.
This is about the whole “are you happy/are you sad?” question. And about you feeling I’m “acting like a jerk”, allegedly withholding information which concerns you because my moods affect your life.
Now generally I’m a pretty ‘happy’, vocal, loud person. I talk a lot, I laugh even more, and I get super excited very easily. I’m not the kind to sit in a corner and wallow in depression. At least, not obviously. That’s my style. That’s the person you would know if we met every day, or even every week.
As it is, we meet roughly once in six months. The rest of the time, we either talk on the phone or text. So when you ask me how I feel, I usually text back telling you how I actually feel. Not how I’m pretending to be. I might be sitting amongst friends, chatting about something, and you’ll text, and I’ll tell you I’m “okay” -Because perhaps most people ARE only okay, deep down inside. There doesn’t even have to be a reason for ‘not being happy’, every time.
I’m trying to find a way around this. I try, but it’s hard pretending to be super happy in text conversations. However many “=D”s you add, if there’s something missing, it still seems to come through. And then you ask me why I’m sad/not-happy. And I tell you there’s no reason -Or at least, no explainable/share-able reason.
And you get pissed off about it. And sad because you somehow feel I’m not giving my hundred percent/not leaning on you/trusting you enough, or whatever it is. Which, in turn, makes me sad.
So what do I need to do? Pretend harder? Because I feel you feel I’m a sad person. Which I’m not –at least, not my public self. If I start sharing everything, I will get super dependant on you, and when some day you don’t feel like shouldering any more of my weight, where will I be then?
I can’t make a lot of sense of this letter my self. I think it may be less for you and more for me –perhaps I’m just hoping all this will be clearer once the words that are floating in my mind are down in writing.
I really don’t know.
Regards,Me.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A hopeless kind of post
She said she didn't want to start anything. She said she didn't want to get into this, because she was getting engaged within the next one year. She owes it to her mum. She tried "love", and failed. This time around, she will do what her mum asks of her. And that's all there was to it.
Except you wanted her to take a chance on you. The first thing you said was "Get engaged to me". Which was simply ridiculous. You're twenty three. You aren't done with your degree. Infact, you have a lot of time left on your degree. Your parents would throw you out, she said. Atleast, most parents would, if faced with such a situation. You said she shouldn't underestimate your parents. She said she didn't know you well enough. You said she was willing to get engaged to whomever, in an arranged marriage. What was the difference?
She said no. But it didn't stop there. Over the next few months, you got to know each other better. She realized falling in love was very much possible. And you were[/are] so good: Good to her; good for her.
And so it started. And it's been fantastic so far. There's a lot of laughter, and just the right number of clashes. There's enough in common, and ample differences. The plans you're making, the dreams you're dreaming, the life you're envisioning: it's all good.
Except, when she looks back now, she sees the pattern. It all comes back to "someday"s, doesn't it? Life is, once again, a string of somedays. You can keep adding to it, but there'll never be a surety, a guarantee, that any of it will ever happen. You can back out -fall out of love, cave under family pressure, or simply decide it's not worth it after all- and break off these delicate ties. Or it may be any of the countless "external" factors.
The foremost being the fact that your degree is incomplete, and everything just comes back to it. If you finish in time, it may work out. If it doesn't, those "somedays" do not stand a chance.
So she prays. Because there isn't much else she can do. If she nags you to study, well, everyone hates nagging. And then, it feels as if she's pressurizing you to do something. Pressurizing you to study so you can marry her. She comes off as desperate. And selfish. And no woman wants that. We want to be wooed, to be courted. Not to feel as if we're trapping you in a marriage you're doing your utmost to avoid. We want you to do the running after. The get-down-on-your-knees-and-ask-me-to-marry-you, not put-on-a-long-suffering-face-and-agree-only-because-now-I'm-threatening-to-leave. We HATE that.
So she's distancing herself. Or atleast she's been trying to. In little ways, because it's difficult for her too. She's trying to do what is intelligent. She's distancing herself, not letting either of you get too involved. I can see this because I know both of you.
I think she thinks it's not going to work out.
That's another string of "Someday"s that will never be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phir waz[a]e ihtiaat se dhundla gai nazar
Phir zabt-e aarzoo se bada'n tootna'y laga
Except you wanted her to take a chance on you. The first thing you said was "Get engaged to me". Which was simply ridiculous. You're twenty three. You aren't done with your degree. Infact, you have a lot of time left on your degree. Your parents would throw you out, she said. Atleast, most parents would, if faced with such a situation. You said she shouldn't underestimate your parents. She said she didn't know you well enough. You said she was willing to get engaged to whomever, in an arranged marriage. What was the difference?
She said no. But it didn't stop there. Over the next few months, you got to know each other better. She realized falling in love was very much possible. And you were[/are] so good: Good to her; good for her.
And so it started. And it's been fantastic so far. There's a lot of laughter, and just the right number of clashes. There's enough in common, and ample differences. The plans you're making, the dreams you're dreaming, the life you're envisioning: it's all good.
Except, when she looks back now, she sees the pattern. It all comes back to "someday"s, doesn't it? Life is, once again, a string of somedays. You can keep adding to it, but there'll never be a surety, a guarantee, that any of it will ever happen. You can back out -fall out of love, cave under family pressure, or simply decide it's not worth it after all- and break off these delicate ties. Or it may be any of the countless "external" factors.
The foremost being the fact that your degree is incomplete, and everything just comes back to it. If you finish in time, it may work out. If it doesn't, those "somedays" do not stand a chance.
So she prays. Because there isn't much else she can do. If she nags you to study, well, everyone hates nagging. And then, it feels as if she's pressurizing you to do something. Pressurizing you to study so you can marry her. She comes off as desperate. And selfish. And no woman wants that. We want to be wooed, to be courted. Not to feel as if we're trapping you in a marriage you're doing your utmost to avoid. We want you to do the running after. The get-down-on-your-knees-and-ask-me-to-marry-you, not put-on-a-long-suffering-face-and-agree-only-because-now-I'm-threatening-to-leave. We HATE that.
So she's distancing herself. Or atleast she's been trying to. In little ways, because it's difficult for her too. She's trying to do what is intelligent. She's distancing herself, not letting either of you get too involved. I can see this because I know both of you.
I think she thinks it's not going to work out.
That's another string of "Someday"s that will never be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phir waz[a]e ihtiaat se dhundla gai nazar
Phir zabt-e aarzoo se bada'n tootna'y laga
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What I've learnt from life so far...
1. The people who will leave will do so, regardless of whatever you do to try to hold them to you. You can only delay the inevitable.
2. You cannot change anyone’s nature.
3. There is no such thing as ‘forever’. Nothing is ‘forever’.
1. “Some day” usually never comes.
2. You ALWAYS have a choice. When you let others make decisions to govern your life, you’re CHOOSING to give them that control.
3. You’re the one responsible for your life. It’s never anyone else’s fault, but yours.
4. The only difference between a “good life” and a “horrible life” is that of perspective.
5. No one is as happy as they seem to you.
6. It’s easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why you’re not. [A.M.S]
7. There will always be politics. The only way out of it is to keep at a distance. From everybody.
8. Relationships are very, very difficult.
9. Very few people ever take you at face value.
10. Over-thinking and second guessing makes for a sad life.
11. The best thing to do when you’re sad is to imagine all the ways it could have been worse.
12. When you realize it’s going nowhere, cut your losses.
13. You’ll look good only when you believe you look good.
14. Confident bull-shit gets you places.
15. The best answer to everything life throws at you is “mujhe farq nai parta”. It’s no fun trying to needle someone who just doesn’t care. [Red]
16. You can be whoever you want to be, at any given time.
17. Absolute strangers are the best confidantes.
18. The saddest thing in the world is to not belong.
19. The best thing in the world is to belong.
20. Sometimes cakes don’t rise. It’s not your fault. Throw out the mess and try it again.
21. It’s stupid to depend on any one.
22. The world doesn’t like you if you’re too in control. Fall apart once in a while to let people feel useful.
23. A clean break hurts least.
24. Most guys dislike smart, confident, straight-forward women. Most guys like slightly silly, damsel-in-distress types.
25. Brash confrontations never get you anywhere.
26. Things always look better in the morning.
27. When you’re pissed, DO NOT TEXT. It may be saved and used against you.
28. Sometimes you’ve got to pretend you understood the dirty joke. Sometimes you have to pretend you didn’t.
29. You grow up and grow apart. That’s just how it is.
30. No use depending on promises. They can always say “we were wrong” or “we made a mistake” and take it all back, anyway.
31. You’re as young as you act.
32. Boys have more fun.
33. There will ALWAYS be someone who dislikes you intensely. No getting away from it.
34. The worst way to spend life is with regrets.
35. Leaving is easy. Going back is very, very difficult.
36. Photographs are important. People will leave, time will change, photographs are forever.
37. Remember to make back-up files if you want your photographs to be forever.
38. There will always be people who take photographs, and then don’t share them. You can beg till you’re blue in the face, but to no avail. You’ve got to learn to forgive them.
39. Do not get your photographs taken by the people who have a history of not sharing them. It only adds to your heart-ache.
40. Blue? Put up a sad status on facebook. People WILL make you feel better.
41. The people who get you food when you’re sad are your real friends.
42. Don’t change too much because of someone else. One day, they will change or leave, and you won’t know how to go back to being yourself.
43. Deciding who to get married to is very, very, VERY difficult.
44. Physical exertion is the BEST way to get over anything.
45. Basketball ftw.
46. Just because someone’s older doesn’t mean they’re smarter.
47. Dark circles suck.
48. Cooking is fun only as long as you don’t have to do the dishes.
49. Pets and babies are cute. Potty training is a b****.
50. Mothers HAVE to get super angry at you atleast once a month. It’s in their job description.
51. It’s the little things that will always matter.
52. Being random is fun.
53. People will always talk behind your back. Remember “mujhe farq ni parta”, and give them better material to build upon.
54. Lists help.
55. Never give your significant other the address to your blog. d it before they became your significant other, change it, and if they ask, say "HAIN? Ghayab ho gaya? @$#%!&@! wordpress/blogspot/whicheversiteyou'reusing!" and let that be the end of the matter.
2. You cannot change anyone’s nature.
3. There is no such thing as ‘forever’. Nothing is ‘forever’.
1. “Some day” usually never comes.
2. You ALWAYS have a choice. When you let others make decisions to govern your life, you’re CHOOSING to give them that control.
3. You’re the one responsible for your life. It’s never anyone else’s fault, but yours.
4. The only difference between a “good life” and a “horrible life” is that of perspective.
5. No one is as happy as they seem to you.
6. It’s easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why you’re not. [A.M.S]
7. There will always be politics. The only way out of it is to keep at a distance. From everybody.
8. Relationships are very, very difficult.
9. Very few people ever take you at face value.
10. Over-thinking and second guessing makes for a sad life.
11. The best thing to do when you’re sad is to imagine all the ways it could have been worse.
12. When you realize it’s going nowhere, cut your losses.
13. You’ll look good only when you believe you look good.
14. Confident bull-shit gets you places.
15. The best answer to everything life throws at you is “mujhe farq nai parta”. It’s no fun trying to needle someone who just doesn’t care. [Red]
16. You can be whoever you want to be, at any given time.
17. Absolute strangers are the best confidantes.
18. The saddest thing in the world is to not belong.
19. The best thing in the world is to belong.
20. Sometimes cakes don’t rise. It’s not your fault. Throw out the mess and try it again.
21. It’s stupid to depend on any one.
22. The world doesn’t like you if you’re too in control. Fall apart once in a while to let people feel useful.
23. A clean break hurts least.
24. Most guys dislike smart, confident, straight-forward women. Most guys like slightly silly, damsel-in-distress types.
25. Brash confrontations never get you anywhere.
26. Things always look better in the morning.
27. When you’re pissed, DO NOT TEXT. It may be saved and used against you.
28. Sometimes you’ve got to pretend you understood the dirty joke. Sometimes you have to pretend you didn’t.
29. You grow up and grow apart. That’s just how it is.
30. No use depending on promises. They can always say “we were wrong” or “we made a mistake” and take it all back, anyway.
31. You’re as young as you act.
32. Boys have more fun.
33. There will ALWAYS be someone who dislikes you intensely. No getting away from it.
34. The worst way to spend life is with regrets.
35. Leaving is easy. Going back is very, very difficult.
36. Photographs are important. People will leave, time will change, photographs are forever.
37. Remember to make back-up files if you want your photographs to be forever.
38. There will always be people who take photographs, and then don’t share them. You can beg till you’re blue in the face, but to no avail. You’ve got to learn to forgive them.
39. Do not get your photographs taken by the people who have a history of not sharing them. It only adds to your heart-ache.
40. Blue? Put up a sad status on facebook. People WILL make you feel better.
41. The people who get you food when you’re sad are your real friends.
42. Don’t change too much because of someone else. One day, they will change or leave, and you won’t know how to go back to being yourself.
43. Deciding who to get married to is very, very, VERY difficult.
44. Physical exertion is the BEST way to get over anything.
45. Basketball ftw.
46. Just because someone’s older doesn’t mean they’re smarter.
47. Dark circles suck.
48. Cooking is fun only as long as you don’t have to do the dishes.
49. Pets and babies are cute. Potty training is a b****.
50. Mothers HAVE to get super angry at you atleast once a month. It’s in their job description.
51. It’s the little things that will always matter.
52. Being random is fun.
53. People will always talk behind your back. Remember “mujhe farq ni parta”, and give them better material to build upon.
54. Lists help.
55. Never give your significant other the address to your blog. d it before they became your significant other, change it, and if they ask, say "HAIN? Ghayab ho gaya? @$#%!&@! wordpress/blogspot/whicheversiteyou'reusing!" and let that be the end of the matter.
Friday, April 9, 2010
April isn't treating me well
It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I was surrounded by friends. Getting ready to part ways, we wondered how much of our friendship would survive once school was over.
It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I used to cry for hours, imagining not being able to see all of them everyday. Crying because those wonderful days would soon end, and there'd be no more laughter, no more because-I'm-sad-today hugs. Never again would we sit in that upstairs class room on rainy days, singing our favorite songs: about love, and friendship, and betrayal, and heart break.
That spring, though we sang about them, I could not imagine heart break or betrayal. I could not imagine the hollow feeling that follows them. I was so safe in my world, with my friends anchoring me. I was so happy. Loved.
I was so scared that April. Scared of the world outside of school. Scared of growing up, and growing apart. I remember looking around at all their faces, and trying to imprint their faces in my mind, to commit their smiles, the sounds of their individual laughter to my memory. I tried to hold on to as much of them as I could. I wrote every single one of them a letter, to tell them what they meant to me; recounting little things we'd shared over the years, I wanted them to remember me. Remember us.
And that April, I was also scared of the decision I had to take. To love or not to love? To trust, to believe? Or to run and hide, and wonder forever?
It was just such an April, three years ago, when I was falling head over heels in love. And I could not even recognize it for what it was, so naive was I.
It was just such an April, three years ago, that I let myself believe.
It's April once more, but my world has changed. I lost those days, that laughter, those hugs. I lost most of those friends over the years. Not falling out, just growing busy in our own lives.
Spring is in the air, and I'm hollow inside. I'm not really depressed or anything. In fact, until I opened this page and started writing, I wasn't even letting myself admit there was something "wrong". And I don't think anyone else has noticed either. I smile and eat and play basketball and laugh. Oh, and I also talk non-stop. Because Red is right, I need to stop unloading on other people.
I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Because Spring is MY season. I look around and try to be glad I'm alive. Alive, and young, and free, and with so much to be thankful for. Not truly alone either, for so many new friends surround me. People who seem to care about me. People I've grown to depend on and love.
And yet, the disquiet remains. Not because I haven't "moved on". But because I miss who I used to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I forced all my friends to write me letters too. They're among my most precious possessions.
And the "I don't think anyone has noticed" in not strictly true. An old friend called me up and asked what was wrong. Because I kept putting up dps from 'back in the day', and he got the feeling I was sad, so he was checking up. Truly, I'm blessed. I'm just being an old fool over this. =]
It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I used to cry for hours, imagining not being able to see all of them everyday. Crying because those wonderful days would soon end, and there'd be no more laughter, no more because-I'm-sad-today hugs. Never again would we sit in that upstairs class room on rainy days, singing our favorite songs: about love, and friendship, and betrayal, and heart break.
That spring, though we sang about them, I could not imagine heart break or betrayal. I could not imagine the hollow feeling that follows them. I was so safe in my world, with my friends anchoring me. I was so happy. Loved.
I was so scared that April. Scared of the world outside of school. Scared of growing up, and growing apart. I remember looking around at all their faces, and trying to imprint their faces in my mind, to commit their smiles, the sounds of their individual laughter to my memory. I tried to hold on to as much of them as I could. I wrote every single one of them a letter, to tell them what they meant to me; recounting little things we'd shared over the years, I wanted them to remember me. Remember us.
And that April, I was also scared of the decision I had to take. To love or not to love? To trust, to believe? Or to run and hide, and wonder forever?
It was just such an April, three years ago, when I was falling head over heels in love. And I could not even recognize it for what it was, so naive was I.
It was just such an April, three years ago, that I let myself believe.
It's April once more, but my world has changed. I lost those days, that laughter, those hugs. I lost most of those friends over the years. Not falling out, just growing busy in our own lives.
Spring is in the air, and I'm hollow inside. I'm not really depressed or anything. In fact, until I opened this page and started writing, I wasn't even letting myself admit there was something "wrong". And I don't think anyone else has noticed either. I smile and eat and play basketball and laugh. Oh, and I also talk non-stop. Because Red is right, I need to stop unloading on other people.
I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Because Spring is MY season. I look around and try to be glad I'm alive. Alive, and young, and free, and with so much to be thankful for. Not truly alone either, for so many new friends surround me. People who seem to care about me. People I've grown to depend on and love.
And yet, the disquiet remains. Not because I haven't "moved on". But because I miss who I used to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I forced all my friends to write me letters too. They're among my most precious possessions.
And the "I don't think anyone has noticed" in not strictly true. An old friend called me up and asked what was wrong. Because I kept putting up dps from 'back in the day', and he got the feeling I was sad, so he was checking up. Truly, I'm blessed. I'm just being an old fool over this. =]
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
For Shery, And You, if it applies.
First of all, I want to apologize for upsetting you with all my baggage. I was made to rethink the whole concept of publishing all this here, when other people will be made sad by it.
[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]
That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]
Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.
For now, we're all trying, aren't we?
Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.
And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.
First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.
From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.
We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.
I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]
[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]
[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]
That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]
Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.
For now, we're all trying, aren't we?
Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.
And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.
First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.
From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.
We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.
I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]
[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]
Monday, March 1, 2010
Na mi danam
He says he didn't mean any of it.
ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.
He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.
I don't believe you.
Your ego is hurt.
Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.
I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?
Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.
Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.
I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?
I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?
No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!
I understand.
And finally, I think I do.
ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.
He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.
I don't believe you.
Your ego is hurt.
Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.
I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?
Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.
Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.
I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?
I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?
No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!
I understand.
And finally, I think I do.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
This Valentines
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I do. =]
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I do. =]
This life belongs to "Happy"
I’m through with being the “sad” person.
I had started to let that word define who I was. I was the “heart broken” one, needing constant watching-over and support. They’d look towards me every time a sad song played; ready to rush in if I looked to be falling apart. Sad ghazals, sad poetry, heart break and betrayal became the essence of my life’s story.
I’m through with being the “sad” person. There are so many adjectives I’d rather be: “fun”, “exciting”, “passionate”, and “vivacious”.
I made a new friend. I call him Red. He’s all of these words, and more. He reminded me of someone I used to know. He reminded me of me of me, a lifetime ago.
One day I saw that his perspective colored me “Sad”. That’s the word he categorized me under. Ironically, it made me even more so. =)
Because once upon a dream, I planned to always be “Happy”. [http://aforml.blogspot.com/2009/05/this-diary-belongs-to-happy.html]And here I am, a jaded cynic, and sad to boot. When did this happen? How could I have let life get so out of hand? When did I lose control of who I am, who I would be?
So here I am, taking the wheel again. This life belongs to "Happy".
Note: It'd be easier to understand if you read the linked post.
I had started to let that word define who I was. I was the “heart broken” one, needing constant watching-over and support. They’d look towards me every time a sad song played; ready to rush in if I looked to be falling apart. Sad ghazals, sad poetry, heart break and betrayal became the essence of my life’s story.
I’m through with being the “sad” person. There are so many adjectives I’d rather be: “fun”, “exciting”, “passionate”, and “vivacious”.
I made a new friend. I call him Red. He’s all of these words, and more. He reminded me of someone I used to know. He reminded me of me of me, a lifetime ago.
One day I saw that his perspective colored me “Sad”. That’s the word he categorized me under. Ironically, it made me even more so. =)
Because once upon a dream, I planned to always be “Happy”. [http://aforml.blogspot.com/2009/05/this-diary-belongs-to-happy.html]And here I am, a jaded cynic, and sad to boot. When did this happen? How could I have let life get so out of hand? When did I lose control of who I am, who I would be?
So here I am, taking the wheel again. This life belongs to "Happy".
Note: It'd be easier to understand if you read the linked post.
A really bad bit of writing
It finally rained in my city.
The sky is so much clearer. The air is fresh, the colors crisp. Lights are brighter, shadows darker; even scents are sharper. It’s like the rain has washed away the veils of grime that hindered sight.
With the first shower, the dust has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
The showers may be likened to the first wave of heartbreak. A hurricane that sweeps through, darkening our skies with loneliness.
But after the pain, as time goes by, colors are crisper, light is brighter, scents sharper. Somehow, the world looks more beautiful. Everything seems new. It’s like the pain cleansed my system. I lost a lot of illusions, but the cynicism washed away too.
Like nature celebrates life after the rain, my heart beats faster, my faith is stronger, after the hurt.
As life settles around me, the pain has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
Note: I'm not in the least bit satisfied with this. But I've been feeling this, you know? =/ Oh, and is repeating that line too much drama? =l
The sky is so much clearer. The air is fresh, the colors crisp. Lights are brighter, shadows darker; even scents are sharper. It’s like the rain has washed away the veils of grime that hindered sight.
With the first shower, the dust has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
The showers may be likened to the first wave of heartbreak. A hurricane that sweeps through, darkening our skies with loneliness.
But after the pain, as time goes by, colors are crisper, light is brighter, scents sharper. Somehow, the world looks more beautiful. Everything seems new. It’s like the pain cleansed my system. I lost a lot of illusions, but the cynicism washed away too.
Like nature celebrates life after the rain, my heart beats faster, my faith is stronger, after the hurt.
As life settles around me, the pain has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
Note: I'm not in the least bit satisfied with this. But I've been feeling this, you know? =/ Oh, and is repeating that line too much drama? =l
Monday, January 25, 2010
Healing
After all that happened in the last three months, everything I went through, I'm finally healing now. I can tell.
This birthday was different in so many ways. I was at LUMS for the Young Leaders Entrepreneurial Summit. Away from my mum and my friends, I thought I'd be very depressed. But that's not how it worked out.
This one week away from home, surrounded by strangers, I became myself again. I laughed and I cried, I did all sorts of crazy things, and I enjoyed every single moment. No one knew me, no one knew who I was or what I had been through. So they took me at face value. And I could be who I wanted to be. Young and carefree. Not the steady, responsible one.
I have so much to be thankful for. So what if life changed. So what if some of those dreams can not come through. I have a lot to live for. I made so many new friends. I presented, and thrived on the praise I received for my work. I loved every single moment of it. I felt alive.
I realized that "us" did not define "me". I can still be whoever I want to be. I can still be more than a failed relationship.
I also realized that I have the best, most supportive friends ever. They gave me one surprise after the other, making my birthday truly memorable. And when I cried, they hugged me close, and made me laugh again.
On one of those long crazy walks back to the girls hostel, through the thick fog in the middle of the night, I believe I finally let go.
This birthday was different in so many ways. I was at LUMS for the Young Leaders Entrepreneurial Summit. Away from my mum and my friends, I thought I'd be very depressed. But that's not how it worked out.
This one week away from home, surrounded by strangers, I became myself again. I laughed and I cried, I did all sorts of crazy things, and I enjoyed every single moment. No one knew me, no one knew who I was or what I had been through. So they took me at face value. And I could be who I wanted to be. Young and carefree. Not the steady, responsible one.
I have so much to be thankful for. So what if life changed. So what if some of those dreams can not come through. I have a lot to live for. I made so many new friends. I presented, and thrived on the praise I received for my work. I loved every single moment of it. I felt alive.
I realized that "us" did not define "me". I can still be whoever I want to be. I can still be more than a failed relationship.
I also realized that I have the best, most supportive friends ever. They gave me one surprise after the other, making my birthday truly memorable. And when I cried, they hugged me close, and made me laugh again.
On one of those long crazy walks back to the girls hostel, through the thick fog in the middle of the night, I believe I finally let go.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Quotes I love from Mr. Magorian's Wonder Emporium
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've hired an accountant.
Molly Mahoney: A what?
Mr. Edward Magorium: An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Weston: When you say magical, do you mean special?
Molly Mahoney: Magical.
Henry Weston: What about... really really cool?
Molly Mahoney: MAGICAL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mortamer fetch.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Stupid zebra.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: So, did you get any friends at camp?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... um... Jeff.
Molly Mahoney: Is Jeff real?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... sure.
Molly Mahoney: Is he an animal?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: He was a squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Name the Fibonacci series from its eleventh to its sixteenth.
Henry Weston: Umm... 89, 144, 233, 377, 610?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect. Number four, do we really need it?
Henry Weston: If you like squares - you do.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Oh, I like squares. Good. Now, the hot dog, the hot dog/bun ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
Henry Weston: Extra hot dogs...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, but why?
Henry Weston: In case you drop a couple.
Mr. Edward Magorium: What kind of insufferable fool drops a hot dog?
Henry Weston: Anything can happen, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Sir...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Don't you agree, Mahoney?
Molly Mahoney: Um, not exactly, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've been inventing toys since the 1770's.
Henry Weston: What, excuse me...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes?
Henry Weston: You say 1770's?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, sir, so you can imagine accounting is a brand new concept to me.
Henry Weston: You know, that would make you at least 240 years old, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: You're already hired, mutant, there's no need to show off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: You're here?
Henry Weston: Apparently.
Molly Mahoney: But not actually?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: He's 242 years old and...
Mr. Edward Magorium: I am not 242! I'm 243! You were at my birthday party. You brought me balloons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Most of these are important papers...and some of them might be doodles I never had framed...I can't tell the difference in them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: [while narrating] What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed.
I'm sure you can tell, I <3 the movie.
Molly Mahoney: A what?
Mr. Edward Magorium: An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Weston: When you say magical, do you mean special?
Molly Mahoney: Magical.
Henry Weston: What about... really really cool?
Molly Mahoney: MAGICAL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mortamer fetch.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Stupid zebra.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: So, did you get any friends at camp?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... um... Jeff.
Molly Mahoney: Is Jeff real?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... sure.
Molly Mahoney: Is he an animal?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: He was a squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Name the Fibonacci series from its eleventh to its sixteenth.
Henry Weston: Umm... 89, 144, 233, 377, 610?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect. Number four, do we really need it?
Henry Weston: If you like squares - you do.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Oh, I like squares. Good. Now, the hot dog, the hot dog/bun ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
Henry Weston: Extra hot dogs...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, but why?
Henry Weston: In case you drop a couple.
Mr. Edward Magorium: What kind of insufferable fool drops a hot dog?
Henry Weston: Anything can happen, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Sir...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Don't you agree, Mahoney?
Molly Mahoney: Um, not exactly, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've been inventing toys since the 1770's.
Henry Weston: What, excuse me...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes?
Henry Weston: You say 1770's?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, sir, so you can imagine accounting is a brand new concept to me.
Henry Weston: You know, that would make you at least 240 years old, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: You're already hired, mutant, there's no need to show off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: You're here?
Henry Weston: Apparently.
Molly Mahoney: But not actually?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: He's 242 years old and...
Mr. Edward Magorium: I am not 242! I'm 243! You were at my birthday party. You brought me balloons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Most of these are important papers...and some of them might be doodles I never had framed...I can't tell the difference in them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: [while narrating] What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed.
I'm sure you can tell, I <3 the movie.
"He dies"
Mr. Edward Magorium: [to Molly, about dying] When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.
[pause, walks over to Molly]
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."
Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.
[pause, walks over to Molly]
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."
Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Once.
There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holly dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Maybe there's a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah...
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holly dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Maybe there's a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Jumping "out of" love.
Do people fall out of love?
Apparently, yes.
Without any fights or arguments to sour relationships, with no mistrust or misunderstanding to severe ties. Not even an "other woman" to entice you away.
You "fell out of" love.
*cue for applause* [this is an angry post]
I begged you to tell me where I went wrong. I promised to adhere to all your wishes. I apologized for what ever my mistakes were.
I begged you to stay.
I reminded you of all your promises. I reminded you of all that you pledged. I bade you to think of me just a little.
I begged you to stay.
But you'd fallen out of love. "It's not your fault. It's my heart."
Quietly, without so much as a whisper, a splash, your heart fell out of love.
You could've told me. We could've jumped out together. I wouldn't have drowned in there alone.
Jinhein jurm-e ishq pe naaz tha, woh gunahgaar chalay gaey.
Apparently, yes.
Without any fights or arguments to sour relationships, with no mistrust or misunderstanding to severe ties. Not even an "other woman" to entice you away.
You "fell out of" love.
*cue for applause* [this is an angry post]
I begged you to tell me where I went wrong. I promised to adhere to all your wishes. I apologized for what ever my mistakes were.
I begged you to stay.
I reminded you of all your promises. I reminded you of all that you pledged. I bade you to think of me just a little.
I begged you to stay.
But you'd fallen out of love. "It's not your fault. It's my heart."
Quietly, without so much as a whisper, a splash, your heart fell out of love.
You could've told me. We could've jumped out together. I wouldn't have drowned in there alone.
Jinhein jurm-e ishq pe naaz tha, woh gunahgaar chalay gaey.
My favorite "Milli Naghma"
Aey watan hum hain teri sham'ma ke parvano'n main
Zindagi hosh main hai josh hai imano'n main!
Dil le ushaak ki maanind ye taptay maidan
Ye lachaktay huey jungle yee phiraktay armaan!
Ye paharo'n ki ghataon main jawani ki uthaan,
Ye machaltay huey daryaon main angrai ki shaan!
Kitnay roshan hain diey teray shabistaano'n main!
Teray mazdoor ki ankhon k shararay le ker,
Teray dehkan k mathay k sitaray le ker
Chandni boe'ein ge jhulsay huey maidaan'on main!
Hum tujhe aag ka daria nahin ban'nay dein ge
Tujhe nafrat ka tamasha nahin ban'nay dein ge!
Tujhe ko paa lein ge...
Tujh ko paa lein ge Mohabbat k gulistaano'n main!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7zHEB2Tc8&feature=related
Zindagi hosh main hai josh hai imano'n main!
Dil le ushaak ki maanind ye taptay maidan
Ye lachaktay huey jungle yee phiraktay armaan!
Ye paharo'n ki ghataon main jawani ki uthaan,
Ye machaltay huey daryaon main angrai ki shaan!
Kitnay roshan hain diey teray shabistaano'n main!
Teray mazdoor ki ankhon k shararay le ker,
Teray dehkan k mathay k sitaray le ker
Chandni boe'ein ge jhulsay huey maidaan'on main!
Hum tujhe aag ka daria nahin ban'nay dein ge
Tujhe nafrat ka tamasha nahin ban'nay dein ge!
Tujhe ko paa lein ge...
Tujh ko paa lein ge Mohabbat k gulistaano'n main!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7zHEB2Tc8&feature=related
Mourning Spring
Lo suuni gayi hamari, yun phirey hain din ki phir sey
Wohi goshaa-e-kafas hai, wahi fasl-e-gul kaa maatam
Yeh ajab kayamaten hain, teri rehguzar mey guzraan
Na hua ke mar mitey hum, na hua ke jii utthey hum
Remembering Spring 2007.
Wohi goshaa-e-kafas hai, wahi fasl-e-gul kaa maatam
Yeh ajab kayamaten hain, teri rehguzar mey guzraan
Na hua ke mar mitey hum, na hua ke jii utthey hum
Remembering Spring 2007.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Hona hi tha jo hua hai...
"Kal Ho Na Ho" sad version ALWAYS makes me cry.
Perhaps it always will.
Whattay loser, haina na? =D
Perhaps it always will.
Whattay loser, haina na? =D
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Choices
There's always a choice.
Every morning, when we get out of bed to start a new day, we're making a choice.
Every breath we take, every minute that we do not throw ourselves down a flight of stairs, it's a conscious decision to live.
I abhor people who go through life blaming life for every road they take. The times when we feel we do not have a choice, is when the choices are the most difficult. But they are still there. We're never helpless, because God gave us free will.
The qismet and naseeb we talk about, our fate, that's what governs the quality of choices we're faced with, the alternative roads we can decide to go down.
But the will, the decision, is always our own.
I have a friend who is faced with difficult choices. One road leads to what her heart desires. The other to what her mind dictates.
The road towards her hearts desire is rocky, strewn with hardships. Her life will be difficult. She will have to change completely, forget who she used to be. No one around her will support this decision. And after all that, in the end, the destination might not turn out to be what she expected. Because the only thing we can ever be sure of is that people change.
The road that practicality would support, is an easy life. It seems that everything she ever wanted, she would get down that road. Material things, as well as the love and support of all her loved ones.
So this is what I have to say, A:
It's your decision, it will always be your choice. If you decide to choose the second, and even if you do it to please your family, don't blame any one else for it later on. Decide that you will not spend your life with "what if"s. Understand that you need to fear nothing, because this will not be the end of the world, or the end of hapiness. There's a life time to live, still, and hundreds of choices to make, and millions of ways to reach self actualization.
Whichever road you choose, give it your hundred percent.
Because you deserve that. And because life deserves as much.
Every morning, when we get out of bed to start a new day, we're making a choice.
Every breath we take, every minute that we do not throw ourselves down a flight of stairs, it's a conscious decision to live.
I abhor people who go through life blaming life for every road they take. The times when we feel we do not have a choice, is when the choices are the most difficult. But they are still there. We're never helpless, because God gave us free will.
The qismet and naseeb we talk about, our fate, that's what governs the quality of choices we're faced with, the alternative roads we can decide to go down.
But the will, the decision, is always our own.
I have a friend who is faced with difficult choices. One road leads to what her heart desires. The other to what her mind dictates.
The road towards her hearts desire is rocky, strewn with hardships. Her life will be difficult. She will have to change completely, forget who she used to be. No one around her will support this decision. And after all that, in the end, the destination might not turn out to be what she expected. Because the only thing we can ever be sure of is that people change.
The road that practicality would support, is an easy life. It seems that everything she ever wanted, she would get down that road. Material things, as well as the love and support of all her loved ones.
So this is what I have to say, A:
It's your decision, it will always be your choice. If you decide to choose the second, and even if you do it to please your family, don't blame any one else for it later on. Decide that you will not spend your life with "what if"s. Understand that you need to fear nothing, because this will not be the end of the world, or the end of hapiness. There's a life time to live, still, and hundreds of choices to make, and millions of ways to reach self actualization.
Whichever road you choose, give it your hundred percent.
Because you deserve that. And because life deserves as much.
I will not text you again
"I wonder if you'll ever come back to me. I feel like a loser even texting you this. But oh well, right? =]"
"It's been three months. Move on?"
Na gai, tairi bayrukhi na gai
Hum teri aarzoo bhi kho baithay.
"It's been three months. Move on?"
Na gai, tairi bayrukhi na gai
Hum teri aarzoo bhi kho baithay.
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