August 28, 2010

Dear You,

I’m very hurt.

You set me aside when you felt like it. I didn’t have a say in the decision. You didn’t think how it would affect me. You didn’t wonder how I would cope, or whether I could have need of you in this time.

You just set a dead line, and told me we wouldn’t be talking till then. A dead line that suited you, your circumstances and your needs.

And you didn’t even do this over the phone. With one little text, you created all these walls.

Remember when I asked you if we could take a break? I asked. I wanted us to discuss it. And you got pissed over it. I respected your wishes. You did not even consider me. It’s not as if you distanced yourself from everyone. It’s just me.

Sometimes I think love isn’t anything but habit. I have an urge to contact you, and I’m pulling back. Because this is what you asked for. Because I’m hanging on to my self-respect, and I’m not going to butt in where I’m not wanted or needed.


I’m not being selfish here. I totally understand that you need space; these exams are important. Had you ‘discussed’ this with me, I would never have said no.

As it is, you made me feel like The Problem. The one you seek to distance yourself from when the pressure builds. You make me wonder how often this is going to happen.

Because, in time, I will grow more dependent on you. I will hurt more.

Regards,
Me.

August 27, 2010

Dear You,

There’s something that has been bothering me for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I’ve finally made some sense out of it. So I figured I’d share. Bear with me if this diatribe gets confusing in places.

This is about the whole “are you happy/are you sad?” question. And about you feeling I’m “acting like a jerk”, allegedly withholding information which concerns you because my moods affect your life.

Now generally I’m a pretty ‘happy’, vocal, loud person. I talk a lot, I laugh even more, and I get super excited very easily. I’m not the kind to sit in a corner and wallow in depression. At least, not obviously. That’s my style. That’s the person you would know if we met every day, or even every week.

As it is, we meet roughly once in six months. The rest of the time, we either talk on the phone or text. So when you ask me how I feel, I usually text back telling you how I actually feel. Not how I’m pretending to be. I might be sitting amongst friends, chatting about something, and you’ll text, and I’ll tell you I’m “okay” -Because perhaps most people ARE only okay, deep down inside. There doesn’t even have to be a reason for ‘not being happy’, every time.

I’m trying to find a way around this. I try, but it’s hard pretending to be super happy in text conversations. However many “=D”s you add, if there’s something missing, it still seems to come through. And then you ask me why I’m sad/not-happy. And I tell you there’s no reason -Or at least, no explainable/share-able reason.

And you get pissed off about it. And sad because you somehow feel I’m not giving my hundred percent/not leaning on you/trusting you enough, or whatever it is. Which, in turn, makes me sad.

So what do I need to do? Pretend harder? Because I feel you feel I’m a sad person. Which I’m not –at least, not my public self. If I start sharing everything, I will get super dependant on you, and when some day you don’t feel like shouldering any more of my weight, where will I be then?

I can’t make a lot of sense of this letter my self. I think it may be less for you and more for me –perhaps I’m just hoping all this will be clearer once the words that are floating in my mind are down in writing.

I really don’t know.

Regards,
Me.

A hopeless kind of post

She said she didn't want to start anything. She said she didn't want to get into this, because she was getting engaged within the next one year. She owes it to her mum. She tried "love", and failed. This time around, she will do what her mum asks of her. And that's all there was to it.

Except you wanted her to take a chance on you. The first thing you said was "Get engaged to me". Which was simply ridiculous. You're twenty three. You aren't done with your degree. Infact, you have a lot of time left on your degree. Your parents would throw you out, she said. Atleast, most parents would, if faced with such a situation. You said she shouldn't underestimate your parents. She said she didn't know you well enough. You said she was willing to get engaged to whomever, in an arranged marriage. What was the difference?

She said no. But it didn't stop there. Over the next few months, you got to know each other better. She realized falling in love was very much possible. And you were[/are] so good: Good to her; good for her.

And so it started. And it's been fantastic so far. There's a lot of laughter, and just the right number of clashes. There's enough in common, and ample differences. The plans you're making, the dreams you're dreaming, the life you're envisioning: it's all good.

Except, when she looks back now, she sees the pattern. It all comes back to "someday"s, doesn't it? Life is, once again, a string of somedays. You can keep adding to it, but there'll never be a surety, a guarantee, that any of it will ever happen. You can back out -fall out of love, cave under family pressure, or simply decide it's not worth it after all- and break off these delicate ties. Or it may be any of the countless "external" factors.

The foremost being the fact that your degree is incomplete, and everything just comes back to it. If you finish in time, it may work out. If it doesn't, those "somedays" do not stand a chance.

So she prays. Because there isn't much else she can do. If she nags you to study, well, everyone hates nagging. And then, it feels as if she's pressurizing you to do something. Pressurizing you to study so you can marry her. She comes off as desperate. And selfish. And no woman wants that. We want to be wooed, to be courted. Not to feel as if we're trapping you in a marriage you're doing your utmost to avoid. We want you to do the running after. The get-down-on-your-knees-and-ask-me-to-marry-you, not put-on-a-long-suffering-face-and-agree-only-because-now-I'm-threatening-to-leave. We HATE that.

So she's distancing herself. Or atleast she's been trying to. In little ways, because it's difficult for her too. She's trying to do what is intelligent. She's distancing herself, not letting either of you get too involved. I can see this because I know both of you.

I think she thinks it's not going to work out.

That's another string of "Someday"s that will never be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phir waz[a]e ihtiaat se dhundla gai nazar
Phir zabt-e aarzoo se bada'n tootna'y laga

...

Love?
Yes.

Rely on?
No.

...

How long does it take for a broken heart to mend?

Not as long as you'd think it would.