It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I was surrounded by friends. Getting ready to part ways, we wondered how much of our friendship would survive once school was over.
It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I used to cry for hours, imagining not being able to see all of them everyday. Crying because those wonderful days would soon end, and there'd be no more laughter, no more because-I'm-sad-today hugs. Never again would we sit in that upstairs class room on rainy days, singing our favorite songs: about love, and friendship, and betrayal, and heart break.
That spring, though we sang about them, I could not imagine heart break or betrayal. I could not imagine the hollow feeling that follows them. I was so safe in my world, with my friends anchoring me. I was so happy. Loved.
I was so scared that April. Scared of the world outside of school. Scared of growing up, and growing apart. I remember looking around at all their faces, and trying to imprint their faces in my mind, to commit their smiles, the sounds of their individual laughter to my memory. I tried to hold on to as much of them as I could. I wrote every single one of them a letter, to tell them what they meant to me; recounting little things we'd shared over the years, I wanted them to remember me. Remember us.
And that April, I was also scared of the decision I had to take. To love or not to love? To trust, to believe? Or to run and hide, and wonder forever?
It was just such an April, three years ago, when I was falling head over heels in love. And I could not even recognize it for what it was, so naive was I.
It was just such an April, three years ago, that I let myself believe.
It's April once more, but my world has changed. I lost those days, that laughter, those hugs. I lost most of those friends over the years. Not falling out, just growing busy in our own lives.
Spring is in the air, and I'm hollow inside. I'm not really depressed or anything. In fact, until I opened this page and started writing, I wasn't even letting myself admit there was something "wrong". And I don't think anyone else has noticed either. I smile and eat and play basketball and laugh. Oh, and I also talk non-stop. Because Red is right, I need to stop unloading on other people.
I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Because Spring is MY season. I look around and try to be glad I'm alive. Alive, and young, and free, and with so much to be thankful for. Not truly alone either, for so many new friends surround me. People who seem to care about me. People I've grown to depend on and love.
And yet, the disquiet remains. Not because I haven't "moved on". But because I miss who I used to be.
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I forced all my friends to write me letters too. They're among my most precious possessions.
And the "I don't think anyone has noticed" in not strictly true. An old friend called me up and asked what was wrong. Because I kept putting up dps from 'back in the day', and he got the feeling I was sad, so he was checking up. Truly, I'm blessed. I'm just being an old fool over this. =]
