I'm a fighter. Yes I am. But sometimes, you just get tired of fighting and wish you'd get something good from life without having to work so hard for it. You wish you'd get something easily. So many people do. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Some of us lose our rose tinted glasses early in life, and grow up too fast. Once you stop being a kid, it's just the same old thing over and over and over again. You look around with your cynical eyes and you recognize the patterns: the same hurt, the same pain, the same bloody vicious cycle. You realize there's nothing at all glamorous about anything in life. It's all a grand theatrical performance, and we don't have the script, but there's nothing new to the plot.
Yet, we're taken in every time. Average life expectancy is sixty years, generally. Half this time is enough to absolutely tire you of everything.
It disillusions you so much. You trust neither your own emotions, nor any one else's expressions. It all seems to be a sham. There are no dreams left, because you're afraid you'll get hurt if you let your self dream; if you let yourself hope; if you have expectations from people. There's nothing to look forward to in life. And there's no one you can blame.
Nobody ever promised me a rose garden.
May, 2007.
[Inspiration: "I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you perfect justice and I never promised you peace or happiness. My help is so that you can be free to fight for all of those things. The only reality I offer is challenge, and being well is being free to accept it or not at whatever level you are capable. I never promise lies, and the rose-garden world of perfection is a lie . . ."]
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Spent and unspent
Gone are the people who rocked and rolled in the world of music two decades ago. Gone are all the Pink Floyds' Kurt Cobains' & Elvis Preisleys'.
The birds that made us dream yesterday, the fears we had of failing school tests we never prepared for, the sunrises we hated to see at the strip of dawn when the alarm clocks sang go-to-school-another-day-awaits-you, the sorrows we shared together.. the games we played and loved - the victories we pondered about for days and months; the passions we had for little things like chocolates and group appreciations; those moments are now all dead, all long gone.
Dying with our emotions, we are mortal again, mortal as we were.
She said that he said live like there's no tomorrow. - A.K
It's sad, is it not? But if you hold on tight enough, some part of it all remains with you forever. The whiff of a smile, a sliver of sadness, a trickle of love. A taste of the passion, spent and unspent- all that remains of a grand feast. All our dreams photocopied black and white. Not as good as the original, but better then nothing.
Someone said that with searching comes loss, and the presence of absence. Well said, I say.
But nothing is ever gone. Not totally. The shadows remain. Often to haunt us. Memories lurking in the dusty halls of our mind. Sometimes I wonder whether it wouldn't have been better if they just left.
Maybe then we would have peace.
The birds that made us dream yesterday, the fears we had of failing school tests we never prepared for, the sunrises we hated to see at the strip of dawn when the alarm clocks sang go-to-school-another-day-awaits-you, the sorrows we shared together.. the games we played and loved - the victories we pondered about for days and months; the passions we had for little things like chocolates and group appreciations; those moments are now all dead, all long gone.
Dying with our emotions, we are mortal again, mortal as we were.
She said that he said live like there's no tomorrow. - A.K
It's sad, is it not? But if you hold on tight enough, some part of it all remains with you forever. The whiff of a smile, a sliver of sadness, a trickle of love. A taste of the passion, spent and unspent- all that remains of a grand feast. All our dreams photocopied black and white. Not as good as the original, but better then nothing.
Someone said that with searching comes loss, and the presence of absence. Well said, I say.
But nothing is ever gone. Not totally. The shadows remain. Often to haunt us. Memories lurking in the dusty halls of our mind. Sometimes I wonder whether it wouldn't have been better if they just left.
Maybe then we would have peace.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Confusion Reigns Supreme
Another April is almost upon us, and when I look back, I wonder what I should do.
No doubt, the journey was something I would not have missed. I got so much I never imagined I'd get. I belonged. I liked that. There was appreciation (at least in the beginning). All those heady experiences. I had a rock to cling to. I had support. I had promises.
I began to trust. I thought it would never be taken from me.
It has changed me in a thousand ways, not all of them positive. When the 'old' me looks at the 'new' me, I barely recognize myself. This is not what I signed up for, this isn't what I wanted.
If I could, I'd quit in a trice. If I didn't care. If I could stand not having my dreams come true. If I could stand knowing I'm a quitter.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't had those dreams at all.
No doubt, the journey was something I would not have missed. I got so much I never imagined I'd get. I belonged. I liked that. There was appreciation (at least in the beginning). All those heady experiences. I had a rock to cling to. I had support. I had promises.
I began to trust. I thought it would never be taken from me.
It has changed me in a thousand ways, not all of them positive. When the 'old' me looks at the 'new' me, I barely recognize myself. This is not what I signed up for, this isn't what I wanted.
If I could, I'd quit in a trice. If I didn't care. If I could stand not having my dreams come true. If I could stand knowing I'm a quitter.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't had those dreams at all.
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