For Shery, And You, if it applies.

First of all, I want to apologize for upsetting you with all my baggage. I was made to rethink the whole concept of publishing all this here, when other people will be made sad by it.

[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]

That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]

Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.

For now, we're all trying, aren't we?

Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.

And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.

First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.

From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.

We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.

I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]

[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]

Na mi danam

He says he didn't mean any of it.

ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.

He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.

I don't believe you.

Your ego is hurt.

Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.

I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?

Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.

Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.

I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?

I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!

I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?

No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!

I understand.

And finally, I think I do.