He says he didn't mean any of it.
ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.
He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.
I don't believe you.
Your ego is hurt.
Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.
I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?
Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.
Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.
I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?
I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?
No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!
I understand.
And finally, I think I do.
3 comments:
It's melancholic.
Your blog always brings up such a mix of emotions in me. It upsets me for obvious reasons and at the same time comforts me that I'm not going through this alone. When you speak with lifted spirits I tell myself I can do the same. Yet every time I read your story it plagues me with memories of what I had and lost.
The first post I read of yours was This September and I couldn't believe how much I could relate. And when you wrote 'You "fell out of" love', I knew we were living the same bad dream. After five perfect years together, with no other guy, no misunderstanding, no fights, my girlfriend "fell out of love". And it's been a hellish nightmare ever since.
How do you get over someone you've truly loved every single day since your time together? Someone you've imagined yourself growing old with? Someone you found perfect in every single way?
Don't answer if you feel it's too personal but you've written so many times about how you're finally moving on, getting over him. Have you really gotten over him?
Because I spend hours every day giving myself therapy, connecting with God, distracting myself from thoughts of her, busying myself in family friends and work. At times I start to feel fine. That I'm finally getting over her. And sometimes this feeling lasts for days. But as always I eventually fail at this balancing act of happiness and everything comes crashing down. I end up drowning in memories of her, thinking I'll never get over her, never move on, never love another.
I wrote a new post to reply. =]
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