First of all, I want to apologize for upsetting you with all my baggage. I was made to rethink the whole concept of publishing all this here, when other people will be made sad by it.
[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]
That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]
Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.
For now, we're all trying, aren't we?
Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.
And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.
First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.
From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.
We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.
I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]
[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]
5 comments:
First of all, you shouldn't apologize. I love reading your blog :). It really brings a smile to my face at times when the very thoughts in my head that I never find the words to express are put into words so perfectly by you. But apart from that I really enjoy your style of writing and the meaning in your words :).
And you can probably tell by the two smileys this is one of the 'good' days :). Its funny actually. A friend of mine has said the exact same things to me that you're saying. And I completely agree with both of you. But sometimes when you're in that slump it's just hard to think past the heartache and be rational.
But yeah, I have no doubt that inshAllah it will all get better in time.
As far as declarations of love go, I know I am about to completely contradict my earlier post, but like you said, mixed feelings.
Hopefully in the future we will fall in love again. And when you feel that way about someone and they express those feelings for you with the same sincerity with which you love them, I think it would be hard not to believe them. It is probably at that moment we would look back and think ourselves to have been silly for thinking we would never completely love again, never truly be happy.
In the meantime, there's nothing like a good tub of triple chocolate ice-cream to cheer you up ;)
I stumbled upon your blog a month ago meenah! And at that time I was at the verge of getting happily committed to the man I've loved for three years, but I had a starnge feeling in my gut that I'll end up like that too. And here I am, dumped and after a break-up =]suddenly things got worse and he left. He just fell out of love..and I still don't know what to do with life and how to move on...some part of me is lost forever.
Anonymous, do I know you? I don't have my name on my blog =]
As for what happened... I'm sure it hurts like hell right now. But take it from someone who has seen it up close, it DOES get better. You get better at pain management. You find people to love, and people who love you, again.
The world is never as alive, but you do start living again. =)
I know you as a uni fellow :). And yes after two months I do feel a lot better than I did before ^^. I've come to discover my potential and I guess, all happened for good :)
I'm glad =]
Post a Comment