August 27, 2010

Dear You,

There’s something that has been bothering me for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I’ve finally made some sense out of it. So I figured I’d share. Bear with me if this diatribe gets confusing in places.

This is about the whole “are you happy/are you sad?” question. And about you feeling I’m “acting like a jerk”, allegedly withholding information which concerns you because my moods affect your life.

Now generally I’m a pretty ‘happy’, vocal, loud person. I talk a lot, I laugh even more, and I get super excited very easily. I’m not the kind to sit in a corner and wallow in depression. At least, not obviously. That’s my style. That’s the person you would know if we met every day, or even every week.

As it is, we meet roughly once in six months. The rest of the time, we either talk on the phone or text. So when you ask me how I feel, I usually text back telling you how I actually feel. Not how I’m pretending to be. I might be sitting amongst friends, chatting about something, and you’ll text, and I’ll tell you I’m “okay” -Because perhaps most people ARE only okay, deep down inside. There doesn’t even have to be a reason for ‘not being happy’, every time.

I’m trying to find a way around this. I try, but it’s hard pretending to be super happy in text conversations. However many “=D”s you add, if there’s something missing, it still seems to come through. And then you ask me why I’m sad/not-happy. And I tell you there’s no reason -Or at least, no explainable/share-able reason.

And you get pissed off about it. And sad because you somehow feel I’m not giving my hundred percent/not leaning on you/trusting you enough, or whatever it is. Which, in turn, makes me sad.

So what do I need to do? Pretend harder? Because I feel you feel I’m a sad person. Which I’m not –at least, not my public self. If I start sharing everything, I will get super dependant on you, and when some day you don’t feel like shouldering any more of my weight, where will I be then?

I can’t make a lot of sense of this letter my self. I think it may be less for you and more for me –perhaps I’m just hoping all this will be clearer once the words that are floating in my mind are down in writing.

I really don’t know.

Regards,
Me.