First of all, I want to apologize for upsetting you with all my baggage. I was made to rethink the whole concept of publishing all this here, when other people will be made sad by it.
[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]
That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]
Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.
For now, we're all trying, aren't we?
Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.
And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.
First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.
From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.
We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.
I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]
[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Na mi danam
He says he didn't mean any of it.
ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.
He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.
I don't believe you.
Your ego is hurt.
Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.
I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?
Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.
Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.
I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?
I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?
No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!
I understand.
And finally, I think I do.
ANY of the things that were my nightmare for the last five months.
He says he did it for both of our betterment. Because we needed this break, this space, to grow. Because he needed the time away to fight some demons of his own.
I don't believe you.
Your ego is hurt.
Ego? My heart is hurt, cookie.
I'm sorry. You know you would never have accepted had I not said all those mean things. I had to make you believe in all of it, or you'd never have let go. Is that not true?
Yes, it is. But you don't know how I spent the past five months.
Happily enough, no? The whole world seems to think so. Oh, and the whole world knows I'm the bad person.
I did not bad mouth you. But of course, I was upset, and my friends could see that. Do you blame them for hating you when you dumped me like that?
I did NOT dump you. Come on, do you think the person who was with you for three years could have "dumped" you like that?!
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Do you still love me?
No! Oh, that part, I meant. But the rest... well, I just don't want you thinking I "dumped" you, okay? Oh what's the use, you just don't understand!!
I understand.
And finally, I think I do.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
This Valentines
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I do. =]
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I do. =]
This life belongs to "Happy"
I’m through with being the “sad” person.
I had started to let that word define who I was. I was the “heart broken” one, needing constant watching-over and support. They’d look towards me every time a sad song played; ready to rush in if I looked to be falling apart. Sad ghazals, sad poetry, heart break and betrayal became the essence of my life’s story.
I’m through with being the “sad” person. There are so many adjectives I’d rather be: “fun”, “exciting”, “passionate”, and “vivacious”.
I made a new friend. I call him Red. He’s all of these words, and more. He reminded me of someone I used to know. He reminded me of me of me, a lifetime ago.
One day I saw that his perspective colored me “Sad”. That’s the word he categorized me under. Ironically, it made me even more so. =)
Because once upon a dream, I planned to always be “Happy”. [http://aforml.blogspot.com/2009/05/this-diary-belongs-to-happy.html]And here I am, a jaded cynic, and sad to boot. When did this happen? How could I have let life get so out of hand? When did I lose control of who I am, who I would be?
So here I am, taking the wheel again. This life belongs to "Happy".
Note: It'd be easier to understand if you read the linked post.
I had started to let that word define who I was. I was the “heart broken” one, needing constant watching-over and support. They’d look towards me every time a sad song played; ready to rush in if I looked to be falling apart. Sad ghazals, sad poetry, heart break and betrayal became the essence of my life’s story.
I’m through with being the “sad” person. There are so many adjectives I’d rather be: “fun”, “exciting”, “passionate”, and “vivacious”.
I made a new friend. I call him Red. He’s all of these words, and more. He reminded me of someone I used to know. He reminded me of me of me, a lifetime ago.
One day I saw that his perspective colored me “Sad”. That’s the word he categorized me under. Ironically, it made me even more so. =)
Because once upon a dream, I planned to always be “Happy”. [http://aforml.blogspot.com/2009/05/this-diary-belongs-to-happy.html]And here I am, a jaded cynic, and sad to boot. When did this happen? How could I have let life get so out of hand? When did I lose control of who I am, who I would be?
So here I am, taking the wheel again. This life belongs to "Happy".
Note: It'd be easier to understand if you read the linked post.
A really bad bit of writing
It finally rained in my city.
The sky is so much clearer. The air is fresh, the colors crisp. Lights are brighter, shadows darker; even scents are sharper. It’s like the rain has washed away the veils of grime that hindered sight.
With the first shower, the dust has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
The showers may be likened to the first wave of heartbreak. A hurricane that sweeps through, darkening our skies with loneliness.
But after the pain, as time goes by, colors are crisper, light is brighter, scents sharper. Somehow, the world looks more beautiful. Everything seems new. It’s like the pain cleansed my system. I lost a lot of illusions, but the cynicism washed away too.
Like nature celebrates life after the rain, my heart beats faster, my faith is stronger, after the hurt.
As life settles around me, the pain has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
Note: I'm not in the least bit satisfied with this. But I've been feeling this, you know? =/ Oh, and is repeating that line too much drama? =l
The sky is so much clearer. The air is fresh, the colors crisp. Lights are brighter, shadows darker; even scents are sharper. It’s like the rain has washed away the veils of grime that hindered sight.
With the first shower, the dust has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
The showers may be likened to the first wave of heartbreak. A hurricane that sweeps through, darkening our skies with loneliness.
But after the pain, as time goes by, colors are crisper, light is brighter, scents sharper. Somehow, the world looks more beautiful. Everything seems new. It’s like the pain cleansed my system. I lost a lot of illusions, but the cynicism washed away too.
Like nature celebrates life after the rain, my heart beats faster, my faith is stronger, after the hurt.
As life settles around me, the pain has settled, and a strange peace prevails.
Note: I'm not in the least bit satisfied with this. But I've been feeling this, you know? =/ Oh, and is repeating that line too much drama? =l
Monday, January 25, 2010
Healing
After all that happened in the last three months, everything I went through, I'm finally healing now. I can tell.
This birthday was different in so many ways. I was at LUMS for the Young Leaders Entrepreneurial Summit. Away from my mum and my friends, I thought I'd be very depressed. But that's not how it worked out.
This one week away from home, surrounded by strangers, I became myself again. I laughed and I cried, I did all sorts of crazy things, and I enjoyed every single moment. No one knew me, no one knew who I was or what I had been through. So they took me at face value. And I could be who I wanted to be. Young and carefree. Not the steady, responsible one.
I have so much to be thankful for. So what if life changed. So what if some of those dreams can not come through. I have a lot to live for. I made so many new friends. I presented, and thrived on the praise I received for my work. I loved every single moment of it. I felt alive.
I realized that "us" did not define "me". I can still be whoever I want to be. I can still be more than a failed relationship.
I also realized that I have the best, most supportive friends ever. They gave me one surprise after the other, making my birthday truly memorable. And when I cried, they hugged me close, and made me laugh again.
On one of those long crazy walks back to the girls hostel, through the thick fog in the middle of the night, I believe I finally let go.
This birthday was different in so many ways. I was at LUMS for the Young Leaders Entrepreneurial Summit. Away from my mum and my friends, I thought I'd be very depressed. But that's not how it worked out.
This one week away from home, surrounded by strangers, I became myself again. I laughed and I cried, I did all sorts of crazy things, and I enjoyed every single moment. No one knew me, no one knew who I was or what I had been through. So they took me at face value. And I could be who I wanted to be. Young and carefree. Not the steady, responsible one.
I have so much to be thankful for. So what if life changed. So what if some of those dreams can not come through. I have a lot to live for. I made so many new friends. I presented, and thrived on the praise I received for my work. I loved every single moment of it. I felt alive.
I realized that "us" did not define "me". I can still be whoever I want to be. I can still be more than a failed relationship.
I also realized that I have the best, most supportive friends ever. They gave me one surprise after the other, making my birthday truly memorable. And when I cried, they hugged me close, and made me laugh again.
On one of those long crazy walks back to the girls hostel, through the thick fog in the middle of the night, I believe I finally let go.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Quotes I love from Mr. Magorian's Wonder Emporium
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've hired an accountant.
Molly Mahoney: A what?
Mr. Edward Magorium: An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Weston: When you say magical, do you mean special?
Molly Mahoney: Magical.
Henry Weston: What about... really really cool?
Molly Mahoney: MAGICAL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mortamer fetch.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Stupid zebra.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: So, did you get any friends at camp?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... um... Jeff.
Molly Mahoney: Is Jeff real?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... sure.
Molly Mahoney: Is he an animal?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: He was a squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Name the Fibonacci series from its eleventh to its sixteenth.
Henry Weston: Umm... 89, 144, 233, 377, 610?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect. Number four, do we really need it?
Henry Weston: If you like squares - you do.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Oh, I like squares. Good. Now, the hot dog, the hot dog/bun ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
Henry Weston: Extra hot dogs...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, but why?
Henry Weston: In case you drop a couple.
Mr. Edward Magorium: What kind of insufferable fool drops a hot dog?
Henry Weston: Anything can happen, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Sir...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Don't you agree, Mahoney?
Molly Mahoney: Um, not exactly, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've been inventing toys since the 1770's.
Henry Weston: What, excuse me...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes?
Henry Weston: You say 1770's?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, sir, so you can imagine accounting is a brand new concept to me.
Henry Weston: You know, that would make you at least 240 years old, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: You're already hired, mutant, there's no need to show off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: You're here?
Henry Weston: Apparently.
Molly Mahoney: But not actually?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: He's 242 years old and...
Mr. Edward Magorium: I am not 242! I'm 243! You were at my birthday party. You brought me balloons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Most of these are important papers...and some of them might be doodles I never had framed...I can't tell the difference in them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: [while narrating] What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed.
I'm sure you can tell, I <3 the movie.
Molly Mahoney: A what?
Mr. Edward Magorium: An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry Weston: When you say magical, do you mean special?
Molly Mahoney: Magical.
Henry Weston: What about... really really cool?
Molly Mahoney: MAGICAL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mortamer fetch.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Stupid zebra.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: So, did you get any friends at camp?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... um... Jeff.
Molly Mahoney: Is Jeff real?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Yeah... sure.
Molly Mahoney: Is he an animal?
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: He was a squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Name the Fibonacci series from its eleventh to its sixteenth.
Henry Weston: Umm... 89, 144, 233, 377, 610?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect. Number four, do we really need it?
Henry Weston: If you like squares - you do.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Oh, I like squares. Good. Now, the hot dog, the hot dog/bun ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
Henry Weston: Extra hot dogs...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, but why?
Henry Weston: In case you drop a couple.
Mr. Edward Magorium: What kind of insufferable fool drops a hot dog?
Henry Weston: Anything can happen, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: Sir...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Don't you agree, Mahoney?
Molly Mahoney: Um, not exactly, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Perfect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've been inventing toys since the 1770's.
Henry Weston: What, excuse me...
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes?
Henry Weston: You say 1770's?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Yes, sir, so you can imagine accounting is a brand new concept to me.
Henry Weston: You know, that would make you at least 240 years old, sir.
Mr. Edward Magorium: You're already hired, mutant, there's no need to show off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: You're here?
Henry Weston: Apparently.
Molly Mahoney: But not actually?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Molly Mahoney: He's 242 years old and...
Mr. Edward Magorium: I am not 242! I'm 243! You were at my birthday party. You brought me balloons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: Most of these are important papers...and some of them might be doodles I never had framed...I can't tell the difference in them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Edward Magorium: A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: [while narrating] What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed.
I'm sure you can tell, I <3 the movie.
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