August 27, 2010

Dear You,

There’s something that has been bothering me for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I’ve finally made some sense out of it. So I figured I’d share. Bear with me if this diatribe gets confusing in places.

This is about the whole “are you happy/are you sad?” question. And about you feeling I’m “acting like a jerk”, allegedly withholding information which concerns you because my moods affect your life.

Now generally I’m a pretty ‘happy’, vocal, loud person. I talk a lot, I laugh even more, and I get super excited very easily. I’m not the kind to sit in a corner and wallow in depression. At least, not obviously. That’s my style. That’s the person you would know if we met every day, or even every week.

As it is, we meet roughly once in six months. The rest of the time, we either talk on the phone or text. So when you ask me how I feel, I usually text back telling you how I actually feel. Not how I’m pretending to be. I might be sitting amongst friends, chatting about something, and you’ll text, and I’ll tell you I’m “okay” -Because perhaps most people ARE only okay, deep down inside. There doesn’t even have to be a reason for ‘not being happy’, every time.

I’m trying to find a way around this. I try, but it’s hard pretending to be super happy in text conversations. However many “=D”s you add, if there’s something missing, it still seems to come through. And then you ask me why I’m sad/not-happy. And I tell you there’s no reason -Or at least, no explainable/share-able reason.

And you get pissed off about it. And sad because you somehow feel I’m not giving my hundred percent/not leaning on you/trusting you enough, or whatever it is. Which, in turn, makes me sad.

So what do I need to do? Pretend harder? Because I feel you feel I’m a sad person. Which I’m not –at least, not my public self. If I start sharing everything, I will get super dependant on you, and when some day you don’t feel like shouldering any more of my weight, where will I be then?

I can’t make a lot of sense of this letter my self. I think it may be less for you and more for me –perhaps I’m just hoping all this will be clearer once the words that are floating in my mind are down in writing.

I really don’t know.

Regards,
Me.

A hopeless kind of post

She said she didn't want to start anything. She said she didn't want to get into this, because she was getting engaged within the next one year. She owes it to her mum. She tried "love", and failed. This time around, she will do what her mum asks of her. And that's all there was to it.

Except you wanted her to take a chance on you. The first thing you said was "Get engaged to me". Which was simply ridiculous. You're twenty three. You aren't done with your degree. Infact, you have a lot of time left on your degree. Your parents would throw you out, she said. Atleast, most parents would, if faced with such a situation. You said she shouldn't underestimate your parents. She said she didn't know you well enough. You said she was willing to get engaged to whomever, in an arranged marriage. What was the difference?

She said no. But it didn't stop there. Over the next few months, you got to know each other better. She realized falling in love was very much possible. And you were[/are] so good: Good to her; good for her.

And so it started. And it's been fantastic so far. There's a lot of laughter, and just the right number of clashes. There's enough in common, and ample differences. The plans you're making, the dreams you're dreaming, the life you're envisioning: it's all good.

Except, when she looks back now, she sees the pattern. It all comes back to "someday"s, doesn't it? Life is, once again, a string of somedays. You can keep adding to it, but there'll never be a surety, a guarantee, that any of it will ever happen. You can back out -fall out of love, cave under family pressure, or simply decide it's not worth it after all- and break off these delicate ties. Or it may be any of the countless "external" factors.

The foremost being the fact that your degree is incomplete, and everything just comes back to it. If you finish in time, it may work out. If it doesn't, those "somedays" do not stand a chance.

So she prays. Because there isn't much else she can do. If she nags you to study, well, everyone hates nagging. And then, it feels as if she's pressurizing you to do something. Pressurizing you to study so you can marry her. She comes off as desperate. And selfish. And no woman wants that. We want to be wooed, to be courted. Not to feel as if we're trapping you in a marriage you're doing your utmost to avoid. We want you to do the running after. The get-down-on-your-knees-and-ask-me-to-marry-you, not put-on-a-long-suffering-face-and-agree-only-because-now-I'm-threatening-to-leave. We HATE that.

So she's distancing herself. Or atleast she's been trying to. In little ways, because it's difficult for her too. She's trying to do what is intelligent. She's distancing herself, not letting either of you get too involved. I can see this because I know both of you.

I think she thinks it's not going to work out.

That's another string of "Someday"s that will never be.
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Phir waz[a]e ihtiaat se dhundla gai nazar
Phir zabt-e aarzoo se bada'n tootna'y laga

...

Love?
Yes.

Rely on?
No.

...

How long does it take for a broken heart to mend?

Not as long as you'd think it would.

What I've learnt from life so far...

1. The people who will leave will do so, regardless of whatever you do to try to hold them to you. You can only delay the inevitable.
2. You cannot change anyone’s nature.
3. There is no such thing as ‘forever’. Nothing is ‘forever’.
1. “Some day” usually never comes.
2. You ALWAYS have a choice. When you let others make decisions to govern your life, you’re CHOOSING to give them that control.
3. You’re the one responsible for your life. It’s never anyone else’s fault, but yours.
4. The only difference between a “good life” and a “horrible life” is that of perspective.
5. No one is as happy as they seem to you.
6. It’s easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why you’re not. [A.M.S]
7. There will always be politics. The only way out of it is to keep at a distance. From everybody.
8. Relationships are very, very difficult.
9. Very few people ever take you at face value.
10. Over-thinking and second guessing makes for a sad life.
11. The best thing to do when you’re sad is to imagine all the ways it could have been worse.
12. When you realize it’s going nowhere, cut your losses.
13. You’ll look good only when you believe you look good.
14. Confident bull-shit gets you places.
15. The best answer to everything life throws at you is “mujhe farq nai parta”. It’s no fun trying to needle someone who just doesn’t care. [Red]
16. You can be whoever you want to be, at any given time.
17. Absolute strangers are the best confidantes.
18. The saddest thing in the world is to not belong.
19. The best thing in the world is to belong.
20. Sometimes cakes don’t rise. It’s not your fault. Throw out the mess and try it again.
21. It’s stupid to depend on any one.
22. The world doesn’t like you if you’re too in control. Fall apart once in a while to let people feel useful.
23. A clean break hurts least.
24. Most guys dislike smart, confident, straight-forward women. Most guys like slightly silly, damsel-in-distress types.
25. Brash confrontations never get you anywhere.
26. Things always look better in the morning.
27. When you’re pissed, DO NOT TEXT. It may be saved and used against you.
28. Sometimes you’ve got to pretend you understood the dirty joke. Sometimes you have to pretend you didn’t.
29. You grow up and grow apart. That’s just how it is.
30. No use depending on promises. They can always say “we were wrong” or “we made a mistake” and take it all back, anyway.
31. You’re as young as you act.
32. Boys have more fun.
33. There will ALWAYS be someone who dislikes you intensely. No getting away from it.
34. The worst way to spend life is with regrets.
35. Leaving is easy. Going back is very, very difficult.
36. Photographs are important. People will leave, time will change, photographs are forever.
37. Remember to make back-up files if you want your photographs to be forever.
38. There will always be people who take photographs, and then don’t share them. You can beg till you’re blue in the face, but to no avail. You’ve got to learn to forgive them.
39. Do not get your photographs taken by the people who have a history of not sharing them. It only adds to your heart-ache.
40. Blue? Put up a sad status on facebook. People WILL make you feel better.
41. The people who get you food when you’re sad are your real friends.
42. Don’t change too much because of someone else. One day, they will change or leave, and you won’t know how to go back to being yourself.
43. Deciding who to get married to is very, very, VERY difficult.
44. Physical exertion is the BEST way to get over anything.
45. Basketball ftw.
46. Just because someone’s older doesn’t mean they’re smarter.
47. Dark circles suck.
48. Cooking is fun only as long as you don’t have to do the dishes.
49. Pets and babies are cute. Potty training is a b****.
50. Mothers HAVE to get super angry at you atleast once a month. It’s in their job description.
51. It’s the little things that will always matter.
52. Being random is fun.
53. People will always talk behind your back. Remember “mujhe farq ni parta”, and give them better material to build upon.
54. Lists help.
55. Never give your significant other the address to your blog. d it before they became your significant other, change it, and if they ask, say "HAIN? Ghayab ho gaya? @$#%!&@! wordpress/blogspot/whicheversiteyou'reusing!" and let that be the end of the matter.

April isn't treating me well

It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I was surrounded by friends. Getting ready to part ways, we wondered how much of our friendship would survive once school was over.

It was just such a spring, three years ago, when I used to cry for hours, imagining not being able to see all of them everyday. Crying because those wonderful days would soon end, and there'd be no more laughter, no more because-I'm-sad-today hugs. Never again would we sit in that upstairs class room on rainy days, singing our favorite songs: about love, and friendship, and betrayal, and heart break.

That spring, though we sang about them, I could not imagine heart break or betrayal. I could not imagine the hollow feeling that follows them. I was so safe in my world, with my friends anchoring me. I was so happy. Loved.

I was so scared that April. Scared of the world outside of school. Scared of growing up, and growing apart. I remember looking around at all their faces, and trying to imprint their faces in my mind, to commit their smiles, the sounds of their individual laughter to my memory. I tried to hold on to as much of them as I could. I wrote every single one of them a letter, to tell them what they meant to me; recounting little things we'd shared over the years, I wanted them to remember me. Remember us.

And that April, I was also scared of the decision I had to take. To love or not to love? To trust, to believe? Or to run and hide, and wonder forever?

It was just such an April, three years ago, when I was falling head over heels in love. And I could not even recognize it for what it was, so naive was I.

It was just such an April, three years ago, that I let myself believe.

It's April once more, but my world has changed. I lost those days, that laughter, those hugs. I lost most of those friends over the years. Not falling out, just growing busy in our own lives.

Spring is in the air, and I'm hollow inside. I'm not really depressed or anything. In fact, until I opened this page and started writing, I wasn't even letting myself admit there was something "wrong". And I don't think anyone else has noticed either. I smile and eat and play basketball and laugh. Oh, and I also talk non-stop. Because Red is right, I need to stop unloading on other people.

I'm trying so hard to not be sad. Because Spring is MY season. I look around and try to be glad I'm alive. Alive, and young, and free, and with so much to be thankful for. Not truly alone either, for so many new friends surround me. People who seem to care about me. People I've grown to depend on and love.

And yet, the disquiet remains. Not because I haven't "moved on". But because I miss who I used to be.

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I forced all my friends to write me letters too. They're among my most precious possessions.

And the "I don't think anyone has noticed" in not strictly true. An old friend called me up and asked what was wrong. Because I kept putting up dps from 'back in the day', and he got the feeling I was sad, so he was checking up. Truly, I'm blessed. I'm just being an old fool over this. =]

For Shery, And You, if it applies.

First of all, I want to apologize for upsetting you with all my baggage. I was made to rethink the whole concept of publishing all this here, when other people will be made sad by it.

[M: That's the adress to my blog. Please keep it to yourself, though, I don't share it with many people.
Red: Why, is it an erotic blog? =p
M: No... It's just personal stuff. It's called "Accounting for my life". From "Gham-e jaha'n ka hisab"
Red: Lol. Knew "gham" would figure in it some how =p
M: Gham-e jaha'n is not necessarily sad, but yeah.
Red: So... you put all your sad stuff onto a website, and PRIVILEGE people by sharing it with them and making them sad too?]

That made me think. =] But then, this blog started long before the sad bits in my life did. However, I write only when I'm upset, so invariably, it's like that. Not all the stories are actually my own, even if I tell it like they are. But it's something around me nonetheless. However, this blog is about my life, and my life is going to be more then failed relationships and sad stories. [Inshallah]

Moving on... well, you're right. If you've noticed, after every hope-filled-pseudo-happynow post, there's a slump. Something will happen which takes you back again. Not to square one, thank God, but pretty near. I don't know if this is how it's going to be, forever. I sure hope not.

For now, we're all trying, aren't we?

Ever tried walking through water? That's how it feels some times. Smiling, pretending to be happy; trying to fool my own self. And yes, there are bits when one is genuinely happy, at some moment. But then it passes, and you're alone again. Still trying to fight the depression.

And that's what life boils down to, at the end of the day. To fight, and persevere. We aren't the first people this is happening to, we won't be the last. It's not that we "can't". We just need to "want" to, badly enough.

First step: leave all hope of getting back together. Much as it will hurt, just ACCEPT that it's NEVER going to happen. All those dreams? Getting married, what we'll name our first kid, growing old together? Not happening. Believe me, once you accept that, irrevocably, things do start to get better.

From your post, I feel you're doing everything exactly right. That's what we're all doing. Now, it's just going to take time. In time, the good phases will get longer, the crashes will become more infrequent.

We're never going to be heartwhole. We're probably never going to believe in anyones declarations of love. We'll always be scared we'll be abandoned again. I don't believe in "Happily ever after"s any more. But we don't have to spend our lives holding on to past hurts.

I have moved on. If I say it often enough, I'll start believing it. =]

[This is a very disorganized post, because I have very conflicting thoughts and feelings about all of this. Apologies. =)]